When I was nearing 18, I was diagnosed with epilepsy.
If you've read other blogs of mine, you'd see I was always getting drunk.
I was working long hours, getting paid well and blowing it on booze and fags, clubs and pubs. But I never did drugs.
To this day I still blame myself.
I hide my epilepsy from everyone I meet, even people I work with as I am ashamed of my weakness.
I have never let it get in the way or used it as an excuse not to perform.
I'm finding it so hard to write about, maybe because I have not dealt with it in my head yet, I don't know.
But there I was nearly 18, with the world at my feet....
When I had my 1st full blown fit.
I remember being in the canteen at work, then waking up in a trolley bed as I was put in an ambulance.
My mum was there, I could see the hurt and disappointment in her face.
We both knew, it was an epileptic fit although months and tests had to pass before I was officially diagnosed.
When I was diagnosed in some way I felt relief. Maybe because my manager had told everyone that I had taken some E's in a club and I was worried about my job.
I will always remember the conversation I had with the consultant. When she told me I had epilepsy and that I will have to make sacrifices in my life, I asked her if I could still drink and go clubbing (I was 18!).
She replied 'no. Your not normal now!'
Fucking bitch shot me right down.
At first I was still up to my old tricks. Who wouldn't at 18?
But it was telling. No matter I was on tablets to control my condition, the booze was effecting it.
I was still running to work and having my legs swept away from me, or jumping with a knife.
I have about 15 stitches to prove it! This was not good, As a danger to myself and the butchery team around me, that often had patience around me and let me try and fix myself.
My biggest wake up was when I was opening up on my own. I started early and as I was working and jumping every couple of minutes. I tried to control the epilepsy, in my head, but when you're tired or stressed, it's harder.
The next thing I know, I'm on the floor waking up with a boning knife in my hand. I do not know how I managed not to cut myself, but it scared the shit out of me.
From that day I promised never to get pissed on a work night. Always be in control. Always.
I am always fighting in my head, I want to be able to let go and not be in control for a night, but know the next day I will pay for it.
Pay for it with jumps or a fit.
Fits scare the hell out of me.
I still have plenty of jumps, due to not enough sleep, or working long hours, this could lead onto a fit, but I control them in my head, and I'm winning.
I am better than the condition and see it as a challenge to control the cunt. I fucking hate it to the bone and want it gone, but we can't choose how we walk, all we can do is wear the right shoes.
